Theres many factors that I considered in my deep thoughts today. For instance; what am I doing?, and how do I make it better? In these past six months, so many things has changed an so much has happened. In January I thought "things are finally going for me," and I was ready to take on anything that was going my way. I was given the chance to travel around working on my own home islands an experience new adventures, and at the time it was what I needed and wanted.
When February came; I traveled to the island of Kauai. The scenery took my breath away in one glance, and as the cool breeze rippled through my hair my heart just melted. I fell in love with island of Kauai. Although it was really stuck in the past days; it really made me appreciate the values that was instilled in me from my childhood. For a month I stayed and I enjoyed being there, and taking on every obstacle that stood in my way one by one. I knew it would come to an end, but I wasn't sad cause I knew I would be back there to work.
Then march rolled around, and my travels brought me to the island of Maui. I was hesitant to be on the island, or even think about all the days I would have to be on the island. It was the first time being back on the island since my day had gotten sick. My memories started to flow threw my mind, and as days past I started to feel a sense of depression. I couldn't sleep, nor could I stand being outside.
(That's were everything began.)
I started to become close to my boss, and I didn't want to show her any of my weakness. I couldn't stop my mind from letting my memories play over and over, but I new I would have to face it head on if I was going to be working there. I started to think about all the moments I was trying so hard not to remember, and tears would just flow down my face. This time my heart melted again, but not because I loved being there. It was because these where the last moments I had with my father. I hid from my memories, and I hid from the moment I should've cherished being with him. It may have been a painful one, but at least I got to be there with him.
Then all of a sudden the company I had worked for had lost the contract for what I was doing. My boss didn't really tell me anything, and when I found out I didn't know what to do. There wasn't really much that I could do on another island for myself, but I knew that things won't be how I expected it to be. The new company that was taking over my old company's contract had offered to allow me to employ with them.
When the manager of the new company came to meet with me and my boss. I got a feeling of a sneaky, selfish, team of me type of person. The word he used during our conversation made me feel like I was selling soul to satan. So I called my aunt; who I confide everything with, and she had said for now just except the offer so at least I have a job to come home to. That's where I went into deep thoughts, and I replayed everything that had happened so far in my life.
My thoughts brought me to conclude; "I guess my dad is telling me that it's time to move on, and that I am able to be out there alone making a life for myself." I decide that I should move to the mainland, but for some odd reason my aunt had called and said " come home first." (Without knowing a clue to what I had decided.) As soon as I got to the airport every thought had said to get on the plane to to go home, but my body didn't want to follow. So I went to the next ticket counter for a plane ticket that was heading to California, and bought me a one way ticket.
I managed to get the flight 45 minutes before I was scheduled to board my plane to head to my home island (the big island). For 20 minutes I sat in between the two gates, and I started to tear. I gathered myself up, and said okay the next phone call would be my decision. I sat and waited impatiently, and they began to board the plane; row by row was announced. I finally stoop up at final boarding call, and made my way to the attendant.
I looked down to both of my tickets, and took a deep breath in. Then I looked up at the flight attendant smiling at me, and he said "ticket please." I glanced one last time out into the window, and gave him my ticket. I started to feel a big sign of relief, and at the same time worried. I started make my way down the gate, and at the same time texting my boss telling her I wasn't going back home with her. Also I wanted to thank her for everything that she had done for me, and to let her know I would send her bag back to her when I reached my destination.I could hear the engine of the plane roaring as I got close to the plane doors. I closed my eye an took a long deep breath in, and said here we go my last breath of Hawaii.
At the very last second; my phone rings, and my boss is on the other end. I continued to make my way to the plane, and she asked "where are you?, come to gate 11," I suddenly stopped, and looked one last time at plane door an walked away. For awhile I felt overwhelmed, and overjoyed at the same time. This call had made my decision, and I guess you could say that I left it up to faith. Although It was probably the right thing to do for myself; I knew that this is my final decision.
I walked over to the gate that lead me home, and acted like I was buying food. I didn't say a word to her about my gambling of my life. I looked out the airport window, and I watched the plane to California race down the run way. In many ways it felt like a regret, and in many ways it didn't. At this point I sat, and wondered what does my faith have in store for me here on the Hawaiian islands.
I came home, and realized that its still the same. Its like a video on replay, but its just a different day. The longer I was home, the more I realized why faith had brought me back. This is my biggest battle, and part of the reason why I wanted to leave from Maui. My family holds a big key to my heart, and one of the hardest things for me to let go.
My family is just like any other families. We all have our problems, and we all deal with it in our own ways. Its just sometimes I wish that I didn't have to be the one who keeps the peace, and be the one that they depend on for help.